NATASHA STEBBINS
SPMS “TRAIN YOUR BRAIN” COUNSELOR When it comes to managing anxiety, we can never have too many tools in our toolbox. What works for one person, may not work for another. In this article, I’m rounding up some methods I have found helpful in supporting students during times of distress, and I hope some of these can help you in supporting your child. Identify the Problem Before we can help our child, it’s important to get clarity on what’s triggering the anxious feeling. Encourage them to be as specific as possible. If there is more than one stressor, have them prioritize what is worrying them, from biggest to smallest worry. Normalize the Feeling & Empathize It’s normal to worry when we experience a stressor event. Situations like taking a test, having an argument with your friend, starting the school year, or presenting in front of the class are typical experiences for a middle schooler that can lead to anxiety. We can express empathy and reassure the child that feeling worry about a stressor event is a human response. It is something adults experience, too. Distinguish Between “False Alarms” & “True Alarms” Check out the previous article on this topic https://spmspta.com/a-different-take-on-anxiety/ Problem Solve Once you have a grasp on the issue at hand, engage the child in coming up with a plan of action. In other words, explore what is within their control and what can they do about it. Perhaps it’s studying, asking someone for help with something, or having a difficult conversation. Whatever it is, let them come up with some ideas to address the problem and help them explore the pros and cons of each idea, then have them select an idea or two to implement. More than one action may be needed, but the idea is for the child to identify what they can do about the stressor in order to increase their sense of control over the situation. Learn to Let Go Once a plan of action has been identified, there may still be worries left about things outside of their control, for example, what questions are on a test, how someone will respond to a conversation, or who they will sit next to in class. Worrying about things outside of one’s control generally increases one’s sense of anxiety because it’s easy to start making predictions that may or may not occur. Ask the child, “Is this a problem right now?”. If the answer is no, normalize their worry around factors that are not within their control, then ask, “Have we identified a plan of action for what is within your control with regard to this situation?”. If the answer is yes, then it’s time to let go of the rest. If the child expresses continued worry, make sure the problem was clearly identified, normalize the worry, and encourage them to execute their plan to address what is within their control. Engage in an Uplifting Activity In order to help your child let go of their worries once they’ve created a plan of action, encourage them to engage in an uplifting activity. Ask them what sort of activities they find fun and uplifting. If the child struggles to come up with activities, come up with a list together. Some common activities could be drawing, listening to music, calling a friend, taking a walk, playing with a pet, or reading a book. The important thing is that the activity is mood-lifting and helps shift their focus to something other than worry. Role Model The way we navigate the stressors of life in front of our children, can be one of the most important ways we teach children how to manage their own anxiety. If your child sees you worried about something, you can tell your child a brief and age-appropriate explanation of the problem, normalize your feeling and let them know that you are working on a plan of action to reduce your stress. Let them see you engage in a mood-lifting activity to shift your focus from the stress. It’s not only okay for children to see the adults in their lives experience anxiety, it’s helpful for them to see them navigate anxious experiences in a healthy way. If it Persists, Consult with a Professional Sometimes anxiety can become a chronic issue for a child. When this occurs, it can often be helpful to turn to a professional for consultation and support. You may want to consult with your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, school social worker, or a mental health professional in the community. Remember that everyone is unique and so is their situation. Problem solving with our child may work one day, while listening, normalizing and empathizing is what our child needs the next time. Though this is not an exhaustive list of tools you can use, I hope that you find this general framework of support helpful. Below are additional resources that can further assist in growing your knowledge around managing your child’s anxiety. If you have other mental health topics you would like to read about, please email me at [email protected]. Helpful Articles: https://childmind.org/article/what-is-social-anxiety/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_campaign=pub_ed_nl_2022-08-23&utm_content=what-is-social-anxiety https://www.emilyedlynnphd.com/blog/2020/3/2/children-and-teens-under-pressure-academic-achievement Book: Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine By: Michele Borba, EdD. Podcast: https://offtheclockpsych.com/213-how-to-talk-with-kids-to-build-motivation-stress-tolerance-and-a-happy-home-with-dr-william-stixrud-and-ned-johnson/
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NATASHA STEBBINS SPMS “TRAIN YOUR BRAIN” COUNSELOR Worried. Nervous. Scared. Stressed. There are so many ways to describe anxious feelings, and more and more we are hearing children express feeling overwhelmed and anxious for a variety of reasons. As caregivers, it can be difficult to find ways to support a young person in distress. This is especially true when the perception of anxiety is that it’s a “bad” experience. A more helpful idea is that anxiety can have benefits, though it can be unhelpful at higher, chronic levels. Understanding the complex duality of anxiety can allow us to support our children in navigating this experience. Without some sense of urgency or worry, we wouldn’t be very effective at meeting deadlines, responding to emails or phone calls, or even waking up in the morning. It’s important to recognize that anxiety serves a purpose. It functions as an internal alarm system -- at its highest level it keeps us safe and alive and at lower levels keeps us doing the things we need to do. Clearly, this can be beneficial to living. There are times, though, when our alarms system can become overactive. Our mind starts to tell us that everything is an emergency or that we are in danger when we are not. These can be considered “false alarms.” Our children can experience an overactive alarm system that includes both “false” and “true” alarms. By getting a better understanding of the purpose anxiety serves in our lives, we can support our children in distinguishing between “true” and “false” alarms, give them a better understanding of how anxiety can be both helpful and unhelpful, and identify steps to manage their anxiety if it is interfering with their day. False Alarm vs. True Alarm Our internal alarm system exists to keep us safe and alive through our Fight, Flight or Freeze Response System in our amygdala, housed in the limbic system of our brain. When a person has an overactive alarm system, they may feel in danger when they are not. For example, an upcoming test or a sport game may produce a level of anxiety akin to that experienced in a life-threatening event. The amygdala of a child with an overactive alarm system then misidentifies a relatively benign stressor as dangerous. Their Fight, Flight or Freeze Response is activated. We do want to acknowledge that the anxious feeling is a very real experience for the child, and we also want to help them explore whether the amount of anxiety they are experiencing is proportionate to the stressor event. If the anxiety seems disproportionate to the stressor, we can engage them in reflecting on how their anxious feelings (e.g., excessive worry, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, etc.) may be related to a “false alarm” rather than a “true alarm.” By exploring this worry with the child, we can help them identify that feeling some anxiety is a normal response to a stressful situation. If it becomes clear that the worry may feel bigger than the situation, we can support the child in finding ways to manage their worry so that they can focus on the benefits anxiety can have while diminishing the negative experience of too much anxiety. The middle school years can be challenging ones for children and parents alike. Each child is unique and so are their life experiences. As caregivers, being a consistent, supportive and loving adult in our child’s life is one of the most valuable resources a child can have to thrive during these years. In my next blog I will share more tips on ways caregivers can support children in managing their anxiety. If you would like to hear more on another social-emotional topic, please email me your question or area of interest to [email protected]. Helpful Short Reads: Signs and Symptoms of Stress in Kids https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/fear/is-your-toddler-stressed/ Does Social Media Cause Depression and Anxiety in Teenagers? https://www.emilyedlynnphd.com/blog/2019/3/18/social-media-mental-health-and-teens Books to Check Out: Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond – and How Parents Can Help by: Phyllis Fagell The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by: Jessica Lahey |
Natasha StebbinsNatasha is the TYB Specialist & Social Worker at SPMS. Natasha shares her insights on mental health and adolescents in these articles, based on over 15 years of working with children in the field of social work and mental health. Archives
October 2023
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